I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
