dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize