New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
