So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
