Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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