The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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