You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
The power of my boobs compel you
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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