I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
