Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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