do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
