Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
