I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
