I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
