i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
