I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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