i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
