just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
