Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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