Well apparently he's into motor boating.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
