You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
