is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
