Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
