In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
My penis needs a shock collar
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize