I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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