I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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