It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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