I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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