obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I smell like Dick and happiness
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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