dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
