Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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