I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
