im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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