I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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