Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
