I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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