If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
