He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
