My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
