You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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