I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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