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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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