then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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