I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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