So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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