Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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