ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
