I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
