She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
