I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I didn't notice because vodka
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
