She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
