Sponge bath it is.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
