I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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