Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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