My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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