I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
