Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
