Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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